Diana from Hormonal Imbalances has been a frequent flyer in my Friday posts for a multitude of reasons. She's an amazing writer, capturing emotions and painting pictures through words. She's a wife and a mother to a beautiful three year old girl. She has been incredibly sweet during our interactions on the internet, which began a few months ago when she learned that she was pregnant with twins. I have been fortunate enough to be able to relive and sort out some of the emotions I went through in the early stages of pregnancy through Diana's eloquently written posts about her own thoughts and feelings.
Last week, on the way to a date night with my hubby, I quickly skimmed over my Twitter account and saw some chilling words from Diana. "I'm losing the babies. :( Please pray for us." and then "I'm being induced. My water broke and there is nothing they can do. The boys are too small. We aren't doing well w/this. My heart is broken." My heart immediately broke for her too. They were 18 weeks and 5 days. In the week to come, the saga was revealed. Both boys amniotic sacs had ruptured. They were initially under the impression that they had to induce, then decided that they couldn't do it and would risk infection to Diana in order to hold out a sliver of hope for their boys. They met some resistance due to a mix up with some of the resident physicians, but continued to fight for their right to choose to let God decide if their children would live or die. I had some in depth discussions with Brian and my friend Jessica about the situation. Jess, having worked in L&D with me and now in the NICU, and I both struggled with the knowledge of just how grim of a scenario it was. Still, I prayed for God's strength and guidance for Diana and her husband through their struggle.
And then, yesterday morning brought the tweet that no one wanted to come. "Julian and Preston were born this morning. We held them as they met Jesus. Please pray for us." Later that day, Diana posted this beautifully written, heartbreaking blog post about her emotions as she attempts to navigate the journey of losing a child.
My heart is heavy. I've experienced fetal loss with my patients more times than I can count. I've held many tiny babies, some born sleeping and some who experienced their last moments snuggled in their mother's arms. I've had family and friends lose babies far too close to 40 weeks than ever seems fair. But I've never experienced loss myself. I haven't had more pregnancies than I have live babies. In fact, I have more live babies than I've had pregnancies. I was terrified for the entire 38 weeks of my twin pregnancy that I might lose one or both of the babies. I consider myself so lucky and infinitely blessed to have been spared from living through such a horrific experience.
I don't know why God chooses certain paths for certain people, and I doubt I ever will. I can only pray for those burdened with struggles and thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful life. It may be crazy and chaotic, and I certainly complain about it often. But I never take for granted the fact that God could just have easily decided to bless me with these boys for only a short time instead of the time I've already been allowed to spend with them. Every minute of every day is a gift.
Please keep Diana and her family in your prayers. No one should ever have to lose a child, let alone two. Every prayer and positive thought for peace for them can hopefully help ease their unavoidable, excruciating pain. They are certainly on my mind and on my prayer list for a long time to come.