Thursday, September 6, 2012

Sad, broken, bitter, angry.

Beckett Andrew & Kiernan James
9.6.11

Can I be honest?  I’m a bit of a mess today.  Sad, broken, bitter, angry.
Overall, I’m just disappointed.  Today is my baby boys’ first birthday and I can’t be with them. 
I know, I know.  They don’t know the difference, we can celebrate another day, in the grand scheme of things it’s just a day.  Blah … blah … blah. 
But birthdays are important to me.  After spending Brennan’s first birthday in the hospital helping him recover from surgery, I had dreams of special first birthdays with subsequent children.  So maybe this stems from that?  Or maybe it’s just that I don’t really want to be going back to school?  Or maybe it’s just that I’m sappy and sentimental and want to celebrate the day that I held my sweet boys in my arms for the first time … by holding them in my arms.
Truthfully, it’s probably a combination of all 3.  And look, I get it – it’s just a day.  The rational side of me knows that and I’m not going to have a big fat emotional breakdown about it. I’ve discussed it at length with my therapist and we both arrived on the conclusion that I’m dealing with it quite well.  It is what it is and for various reasons it’s unavoidable.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  And that doesn’t mean I can’t be pissed off about it. 
So amidst the pissed-offed-ness, I’m going to enjoy my family’s company and enjoy the little break from reality and enjoy traveling without children.  And maybe have a cupcake in honor of my boys. 
Happy Birthday Beckett and Kiernan.  I love you more than you’ll ever know.  And we’ll have lots of birthday fun for years and years to come.  So just warn your wives some day that the reason your crazy mother is sleeping on your doorstep on September 5 is that she missed your first birthday and has guilt issues. 


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