ohhhhhhh boy am I feelin' it.
There's too much to do and too little time and the days feel short and never-ending at the same time.
Today was supposed to be dedicated to cleaning and instead my house is more of a mess than it was this morning. Instead of cleaning it took all I could do to just keep it together today. By the time Brian walked in the door this evening I could feel the anxiety bubbling up in my throat and I knew I just had to get out.
A stroll around Home Depot and Publix did me a world of good. I just needed to be out. Out of the clutter and chaos and noise. Alone in my thoughts. Not responsible for anyone or anything but myself. I count my blessings every day for a husband who can just pick up where I left off so that I can flee when I feel it rising.
The next few days are going to be tough for me. There are too many thoughts spinning around in my head and no matter how many lists I make or how I try to organize it all on a calendar, it just doesn't stop. Things will be forgotten or just plain skipped and there isn't much I can to about it other than to remind myself to just give it to Jesus. I'm so not good at that.
And then comes the subsequent 10 days of pure chaos. I couldn't be more conflicted about this trip if I tried. While I'm excited at the potential for a white Christmas and to see our families and friends, I'm also frustrated every time I look at our schedule. I don't want to bounce between houses. I don't want to worry about logistics. I don't want to constantly worry about keeping my kids away from the perils of non-baby-proofed houses. I don't want to go from party to party to party to party. It's too much for me. I need to breathe.
But I also don't want to miss my family and my friends. And I don't want to make my husband miss his either. So we try our best to be organized about it and yet fluid at the same time. We try to make our desires known to each other and make the necessary compromises. Try is the key word.
A part of me is excited for next Christmas because we won't have to deal with the travel. We'll stay home so that the boys can wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning for the first time in their short little lives and we can enjoy a travel free holiday. But the other part of me knows that I'll just have another whole host of issues to work through then - biggest of all being the potential of missing my family on Christmas.
Sometimes I feel so frustrated with my brain. I don't want to have these emotions. I don't want to be so easily overwhelmed. I don't want to have to miss my family or be overwhelmed by too many people and obligations and stuff. Sometimes, I just want to be.
Maybe next year.