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Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Before I got pregnant with the twins, I used to dream about having another baby and wonder how I could possibly love another tiny person as much as I loved Brennan.  It seemed like he filled my heart to the brim.

Of course, I knew I would love another one just as much as I loved him.  But that didn't stop me from lying in bed at night wondering if I really would or if I'd just say it because that's how I was supposed to feel.

Then I found out I was pregnant and I started to figure it out.  The minute I saw that second line on the stick, I loved the tiny person growing inside me.  Fiercely, madly, passionately, completely.  But still, would it be as much as I loved Brennan?  Did I have enough love inside me to love TWO little people?  I hoped so, but still had my doubts tucked deep down inside.

Then came the day that changed it all - February 8, 2011.  The day we saw 2 little flashing dots on the ultrasound screen instead of just one.  The day our world changed in a bigger way than we originally knew it would.  The day I started to question myself - if I wasn't sure I had enough love to give to 2 blessings ... what about 3?

I still loved them just as much after I found out there were 2, but my doubts about my ability to love them enough grew exponentially.  I knew I could love them, but could I love them as much as I loved my Brennan? Would it ever be enough?  My heart is only so big and dividing it in 3 just didn't seem like a big enough piece for each boy.

Then one early September morning, I brought these beautiful boys into the world.  I stared into their eyes and snuggled their tiny bodies close to me and I loved them.  But it wasn't until Brennan came to the hospital later that day that I knew.  I knew that I didn't have to divide my heart.  Instead, it just grew.  It multiplied by 3 and each one of these boys is like a giant piece of my heart walking around outside of my body.  I love them each. Wholly, fully, truly, equally.

Focus on the cute boys and the love folks, not the boobs falling out and the crappy hair.

It's an amazing feeling.  And one I sometimes forget about amidst the madness of day to day life.  This one needs fed and this one needs changed and this one wants me to play cars with him and I haven't had time to shower in 2 days.  I do it because I love them, but sometimes I forget how amazing it is to feel so in love with someone.  Until one random day like today when I walk into the twins room to rescue Kiernan from his crib after his nap and look into those big sweet eyes and it hits me like a brick wall.  I'm amazed at how much a person can love another person, let alone 3 little persons.

I'm so insanely lucky to have a heart big enough to be bursting full of love for these boys.  It seems so easy and so natural that I wonder why I ever questioned it.  But that's the beauty of motherhood - you can only truly learn by experiencing it yourself.

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