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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Letting go and finding myself.

I'm nervous.

I can't tell you why exactly, because I haven't quite figured it out myself.

Tomorrow morning I'll head to the airport and board a plane for Michigan.  It's a much anticipated trip to see my family for the wedding of a close family friend.  I'll get to shop with my sisters, get my hair cut by my favorite stylist, get manicures and pedicures with my mom and sisters, celebrate my Dad's birthday with him and spend the first Mother's Day in awhile with my mom.  I've been looking forward to it for months.

But I'm also terrified.  I've never left the twins for more than a few hours.  They'll be with Brian the whole time and if there's anyone in this world I trust with our babies it's him.  I'll be gone for less than 3 days.  I've left a list of the schedule with reminders not to let Brennan have any more than 4 "Queen cups" of milk per day and to remember to do the boys exercises.

They'll survive.  It's not really them I'm worried about.  It's me.

For the last year and half, all I've known is being a mom.  My days are completely consumed with schedules and feedings and diaper changes and playing race cars and snuggles and kissing boo-boos.  I've realized in the past few weeks that I'm not really sure I know what to do with myself when I'm without my boys.  Sure the idea of having time to read and sleep and pee without an audience sounds downright blissful, but facing the reality of it is very intimidating.

Do I think this is a bad thing?  No.  Do I think I need to go back to work in order to regain some sense of self?  No.  I want to stay home and raise my boys and for them to be my world.  It's what I've always imagined my life would be like.  But what I never imagined would happen is that I would have such a hard time finding myself outside of motherhood.  That part never played out in my brain.  I guess I just assumed that I would remain the same old Kelli.  That's definitely not the case.

It's not going to be an overnight thing.  I have to work to get better at taking time for myself outside the house, other than grocery shopping and once monthly girls' nights.  I'm working on it.  For now, I'm just going to focus on enjoying my weekend with my family.

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